They were never my friends and I was living a lie, but I won't fall for it next time.

Listening To: Remember to Feel Real by Armor For Sleep

Feeling: Reflective

"...'Cause you know I change myself

To impress whoever happens to be next to me

But I'm sick of trying so hard

Waste all your time with me

I know I'm a mess right now

Don't give up; believe

I'd wait it out for you..."

Ah, just unfortunately thinking about last summer and the summer before it, and how my friends always abandon me as soon as school starts. I'm sure it would be a lot easier if I went to school with them instead of being homeschooled, but I love being homeschooled. I would never want to change being homeschooled.

I'm not sure why it seems to happen to me every time, but I realize (As I usually do, later down the road when I wished I had realized it much, much earlier) that my mom was right when she said that anyone would be blessed if they find one true friend for their life.

I don't really want to dwell on it, but the title and the chorus does describe me. I always try to feel out whatever person I'm talking to and try to find common interests and blend myself in to be complimentary to them and their personality so I can impress them and they'll want to be friends with me. I suppose I wonder if they knew my anime/all Japanophile ways, my crazy humor, my extremely serious moments, the way my brain works, that everything would come crashing down.

Listening To: Stop and Stare by OneRepublic

"...This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us

It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust

I've got my heart set on anywhere but here

I'm staring down myself, counting up the years..."

And somewhere in my brain must've told me I was an idiot to do something like that. And so, last year at summertime, I decided I would open myself up as much as I possibly could, and display my full personality...or, at least, quite a bit of it. And I thought I had a fast-best-friend.

We laughed. Talked all the time. Had inside jokes. Had a secret-handshake. Ran out in the street together everytime we saw each other outside. Walked our dogs together. Talked about our mutual favorite band (Which was the Jonas Brothers, whom I really do detest now). Scoped out hot guys. Played childish games. Read the same books at the same time and tell each other what we thought of it. Painted our nails the same color. It was almost as if we were truly connected at the hip.

It was some of the best times, it seemed, and I couldn't wait for it to continue. But as soon as school started for us both, the seperation cut our ties, apparently. The phone calls stopped coming and when I called, I was ignored. I did try to figure out what I must've done wrong, and even though she didn't care for anything Japanese or some of my other interests, she didn't resent me because I liked them. She laughed like crazy at my facial expressions and my jokes. It seemed my personality was likable. That I, in fact, was likable.

Listening To: I So Hate Consequences by Relient K

"...And after all of my alibis desert me

I just want to get by

I don't want nothing to hurt me

I had no idea where my head was at

But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that

Because I just want for all of this to end..."

I was not the shy girl with her that couldn't speak up or hold up a convesation without fading out into the background because someone else talked over me or didn't even hear me at all - or, even worse, ignored me altogether. It felt awesome to have a best friend to talk to. Of course, it appears she was not really my best friend. Or a friend at all.

As for this blog title's lyrics, what I'm trying to say is, I won't get sucked in this year to another summer of false friendship, from not only this fake best friend, but the other fake friends of my neighborhood who acted.

You all deserve Oscars.