Changing

Listening To: Balloons by Julia Nunes

Feeling: Sad

I was just thinking about how things have changed now that Jesse is gone. And that made me think about other changes in my life and the lives of the people around me that I love and care about.

I have changed so much from what I was, whether I've changed for better or worst. I may still be introverted and working on that, but I've really took a sharp look at how I was and how I am, and whether I deserve what I have. All the stuff I have and the people around me that care so much about me.

What kind of person am I to deserve all this?

Listening To: Odd by Julia Nunes

I feel like I'm selfish and abnormal. In a whole different category than the people around me, who constantly give and give to me and to others, and they are extraordinary rather than odd. I wonder about how they would handle the situations that I am currently faced with or have faced, and about which of us picked the better route.

Listening To: Regrets by Julia Nunes

But what are my good qualities? I've heard that we are our own worst critics. The only people who can tell me what I truly am are the ones around me. Is that because I don't know who I really am inside just yet? I'd like to say that I know, but I couldn't tell you that, because I'd be a liar, and I'm tired of lying. I'm never going to again. It did nothing but hurt me and everyone I love.

There are so many rolemodels of mine. Celebrities, sure, but I'm talking about in my life. My mother, my two cousins, other family members. But I have to say the person I look up to the most would be my father.

He's like everything I've wanted to be. A great writer; no, the best. I wish he would just write all the books he has had bouncing around his head all these years. But he's not just the best writer, but one of the reasons I decided to become I writer. He inspired me so much and I don't think he really knows just how much. I didn't look up to J.K. Rowlilng or some other author. It's my daddy, all the way.

He is so smart, too. And witty. He can toss out a comeback in a split second that will make the whole room laugh. Some of my best memories are the jokes that dad has told, and the time I've spent with him.

So many other things about him just seem so perfect to me, like his cooking skills, the way he tries to treat me like an adult, the way I can always talk to him and the advice he gives, and the love he gives. I'm so glad for the traits he's passed on to me.

And my mom. Oh, mom.

The way she has so much love in her heart. She's so perfect that way; love for her family, love for her animals, love for the plants and things from the earth. The way her eyes just sparkle sometimes, and her beauty, then and now, the things like that that I envy of her.

The way she's so opiniated, yelling at the TV. The way she defends her family with everything she has, never backing down. I'll never forget the time at my aunt's shop when she defended me from this rude, old woman.

Her cooking, the kind only a mother can supply, and her easy way to quickly sympathize and hold me tight, keeping all those troubles away from me. I'm happy for the traits she's passed on to me and envious of the ones she hasn't.

I feel like I haven't been fair to my parents. I don't think I've treating them as well as I should be, but Jesse made me realize that I can't let things be like this. Mom and dad are still here with me. I want to change, and I will. Because when they're gone, I don't want to have regrets.