We're all looking for something to take away the pain.

Listening To: Me, You and My Medication by Boys Like Girls
Feeling: Ergh. Is that an emotion?

"...It feels like the stars are getting closer
And the sky is closing in
And I don't know where to begin
We're all looking for something
To take away the pain
Me and you and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me you and my medication..."

I was watching some show the other night with mom. I'm not sure I even remember what it was, but it was just stupid stupid thing that actually made me think; one of the characters was talking about how she'd always wanted to be a mother, to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Normally, something like this would probably go through one ear and then the other for me -- because, after all, it is just a stupid television show -- but for some reason, it started the wheels in my brain creaking.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that to say I don't like kids is putting it extremely lightly. Children are horrible and disgusting to me, and I don't even plan on having one or multiples of them when I get married. So, this post is not about the child part in any way at all. What it's about is the love. Of course, I love my parents unconditionally -- never have I once pulled a teenage fit and said I hated them, to myself or to them or ever -- and they love me unconditionally.

But excluding relations, it made me wonder about love in general. I know, you guys know, my parents know, everyone knows, that I am flawed. I've never claimed not to be. I think I'm a hard person to get along with once you know me because I tend to get annoying after awhile, like a song you had on repeat for a month and now you just can't stand anymore. Once you get past the facade I put out, you see exactly who I really am.

And I do put on a facade. For everyone, except my parents and a couple close iFriends. There's only been one person in real life I truly became myself around -- the good with the bad, the pretty and the ugly -- and we got along so well once I finally opened myself up. I thought it was just a crazy, unnatural fear that I had that I couldn't trust anyone. I mean, look! This friend and I had such good times together, and we laughed at each other, and we seemed so close. Everything was going so excellently.

Now, we had known each other for years on and off before I finally was normal around her, and it happened in the summer. I slowly let go and had fun and didn't worry if what I said was stupid or if I would accidentally offend her.

Then, once school started that year, she abandoned me completely. Gone, like she was never there, like I was never there. Like we were never friends in the first place. And that hurt me, that someone could betray someone that easily without a glance over their shoulder. Though, this friendship had nothing to do with love (As we were both girls) and I'm just going off on a sub-topic, it's slightly relevant to the original topic.

Being, that with my ex-boyfriend, I was never myself around him. I was happy, upbeat, and cutesy around him so he would hopefully stay interested and be happy with me. At that time, I thought I loved him so very much even though we had known each other for a very short period of time. It took me a long time after he cheated to figure out that I've never loved before, and that it was just my teenybopper self getting enthralled with a guy who seemed enthralled with me. Even now I think of how ignorant I was to think it was love at all, or to expect anything more than what I got.

Even the short period of time I was with him, I was waiting for something to happen; for him to stop calling, to cheat, to just break-up and say he wanted nothing to do with me. This is because I am an omnipresent pessimistic in general, and I doubt that any romantic relationship I have will ever be void of these thoughts. They will be there, no matter how good I think I have it. It's just the way I am.

There's also the fact that I wonder what will happen to me the first time I open up to a boy and I get stomped on. Wouldn't that just destroy me for awhile, no matter how strong I think I might be now in the romance department? I probably wouldn't ever be the same, just like I'm not the same with friendships anymore. I do wonder if the reason I'm never close friends with anyone other than the close friends I already have is because they somehow since it's all a fake, pretty picture and are put-off by that fact.

What I do is, I listen. If there's someone I want to go up and talk to, I might glance over and see them with their regular friends and interject myself into their group and listen to their common interests and try to insert myself as one of them to show them that "Hey, hey, I'm here, too!" That's pathetic, and I know it, that I can't just say, "Oh, I don't like that. I'm not like that. I like this instead. I'm like this instead." It seems like I might offend them and wouldn't it just be oh so horrible if I did?

There's a lot of things I'd want to change about myself, and that factor is probably one of them. I don't want to be one to wear their heart on their sleeve or to be some horribly mean loudmouth, but I would definitely tweak my personality more than a little bit if I had the option. I would love to not be hurt so easily by even the simplest things, and get that look on my face that makes people want to ask what's wrong.

"Nothing's wrong; I'm fine! Why do you ask?" I say, with a smile.