If you trust your neighbors, they'd never suspect what you're like.

Listening To: Your Friends Are Gone by Circa Survive
Feeling: Like playing a children's card game.

"...Everything hidden is suddenly exposed
Nobody wants to hear another
Story about how you couldn't write right
It climbs in slowly behind
No one has to know
Playback, delete, and rewind
Each one is louder than the one before
And the people you care for
At ten times the expense
Of all that you've spent..."

I've decided that I might try to post a little Letters thing every week on Saturday, which will basically just be me ranting about the things that have bothered me all week. I've always wanted to sort of do a weekly thing like that, and I also wanted to do a rant-like thing. I've seen other bloggers do things like that, so I thought I might as well do it, too, and try to keep up with it. So, enjoy my rant, I suppose? I usually don't get comments, so I really don't know if I'm being boring or exciting. We'll just have to see.

Oh, at the end, I guess I'll post something good that made me happy this week.

5/29/10, Letters no.1
Dear Sun,
Sun, if you could not scorch me everytime I walk outdoors, that would be nice. Yes, I know I tan easily and rarely burn. Yes, I know I am a ghastly pale. I like it this way, and if you could stop trying to tan the crap out of me everytime I step outside for 5.6 seconds because you know it'll be another two weeks before something forces me back into the "great" *air quotes* outdoors, that would be excellent.

Dear Novel I'm Currently Writing,
I would really love if you could be easier to write. I have -- basically -- the whole plot floating around in my mind and on random bits of paper and in notebooks, but nevertheless, I am never confident while I'm writing you. I worry that the story is moving too fast, I'm not describing things well, the characters aren't three-dimensional enough, that there's too many characters in general, etc. Basically, I have no faith in myself or any scraps of skills I may have at this point. I am in a constant state of worry because of this, so yeah.

Dear Non-Existant Confidence,
It would be just superb if you, Confidence, would show up and take over once in awhile. I don't need to be over-confident, but it would be nice to feel good about the novel or myself for once. News flash for everyone involved: guys don't find self-conscious girls cute. Not that I'm even thinking about going after a guy, or that I even like a certain one (At this point, I don't), but still. You know. I should be ready when it happens, right?

Dear Art Skills,
I know I'm asking for a lot here, but can I please be able to draw hands? And arms? And legs? And feet?
...
And realism?
I just rocked the boat, didn't I?

Dear Gracie's hair,
I know you're my dog's hair and all and you probably have an ego just like she does, but you tangle so much. I have to brush you all the time, and I'm getting sick of it. Can't you stay untangled for at least a day?
It's so much easier with the pugs' short hair. Their grooming needs are practically non-existant.

And finally, the happy thing. It's optional to read, of course, like everything else.

Dear God,
Thanks for always being there for me, through the tears, the doubts, the rants, the confusion, the fear. You know I'm always a constant jumble of nerves and fear, and that I'm constantly on the cusp of letting them consume me. Still, there's always a line to cross before I get that far, and Your hands on my shoulders gently pull me away before I reach that line.
I love You. Even if I can't be honest with myself, I can be honest with You.
Thanks for everything, Father.

In a city of fools, I was careful and cool, but they tore me apart like a hurricane.

Listening To: Therapy by All Time Low
Feeling: Y'know; the usual.

"...My ship went down in a sea of sound
When I woke up alone, I had everything
A handful of moments, I wished I could change
And a tongue like a nightmare, that cut like a blade
In a city of fools, I was careful and cool
But they tore me apart like a hurricane
A handful of moments, I wished I could change
But I was carried away..."

There still isn't much going on here. Just a lot of chores, a lot of sketching, some writing, and some reading. That's basically the only things going on right now, and pretty much the only thing that ever is. Except tomorrow I'm going to a suminagashi class tomorrow, and then sometime in June I'm going to a Chinese calligraphy class -- which, if you know me, will have me bouncing off the walls with happiness. I absolutely adore the Asian culture, language, mythology, whatever. And I really hate it when someone tells me that my passion for the culture will fade, or I'm just like every other teen on the Internet who loves Japan and Japan period.

But since I'm interested in all the Asian cultures, examples, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Filipino, etc. and am actually serious about learning mainly the Japanese language and learning about those cultures. I like knowing about all sorts of languages and cultures, though, but my favorite is probably Asian cultures. I don't know why. Though, since Flash lives in Latvia, I'm actually starting to learn a bit about their culture, as well.

I was going to probably write a whole paragraph up on suminagashi and one on the Chinese calligraphy, but if you want to know more about it you can learn about the suminagashi here and the Chinese calligraphy here. I think it's good to have something that you're passionate about in life, whether it be a culture or something like that, and also good to know what you want to do in life and to have hobbies. Makes your life more full, I suppose; though I'm getting a bit off-topic and much too optimistic...Once again, if you know me, I am one of the most pessimistic people you will meet. Yet, still a hopeless romantic at the same time.

Though I'm trying to kick that. Nothing good will ever come of looking at boys as if they are knights in shining armor, when I know full well and personally well that they are not. Sure, they might end up loving you in the end, but when they first see you, they are most likely -- and I'm talking 99.9% likely -- thinking about smexing you up. Do not delude yourself; this is what they're thinking. They don't see what a pretty brain you have. They are looking at your lady lumps and humps, so now you know.

I have new characters, my lovelies. I probably need to get rid of some because I have so many and only about three are fully developed -- Ric, Vic, and Mercedes -- but I still keep churning them out like nobody's business. I have a German vampire prince, Albrecht Fuerst. He's in the Ravenblood coven but kept his last name rather than changing it. Diahann Dupont and Aubin Blanc, who are both French and got divorced. It's a bit complicated, but their kids are Amadour and Aceline. I think Aceline is seventeen and Amadour is nineteen, two years apart just like Jersey and Anthony.

I'll blog again soon...I might post about how that class goes tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm moving on, but that's the way it goes.

Listening To: Liar Liar by NeverShoutNever
Feeling: Excited

"...Don’t pull that s**t again
For me now, but I'm building up
I can see that I've had enough of you
I'm finally through
And all I see in you
Is another mistake right over my shoulder
Now I see who you are..."

There's been a huge lack of updates lately, hasn't there? I wanted to just post a little something so none of my Followers would think I was going on another one of my notorious hiatuses. I've been had a lack of real topic to write about here, and the reason for that is probably because of my book. I think I mentioned I was working on it quite awhile ago, but I scrapped what I had wrote and I started over...what, yesterday, I think? And so, I have six-thousand-and-some words now, and I think it's going good.

I've also been making new characters even though I already have an abundance of them, and I've been doodling a lot. My little pink sketchbook is almost completely filled now. ♥ For some reason, though, I feel really accomplished that I've drawn enough to fill up a sketchbook. I think I only started doodling in it, what, a couple months ago? I really can't say because I don't remember.

I'm also proud because I'm one of those people who can be fickle at times, get bored easily, and get discouraged easily. But I've been taking the criticism like a woMAN (Because I am a girl, and that's how we take critique), and I know that most of the people who critique me are trying to help me; not offend me. I remember when I used to get offending if someone didn't like my art. Well, when I look at my way older art, I offend myself with what I say about it.

Mom and dad already got me a new fancy black sketchbook. I was trying to hold off on drawing in it because they're going to buy my something that's supposed to stop the charcoal and pencils, et cetera , from rubbing off on the opposite page. But since I've almost filled the pink one, I probably won' t wait. I like to doodle at least one thing a day in order to improve my skills and keep techniques I've learned fresh in my mind. It's very helpful, even if I just doodle something easy or small.

As for those new characters I previously mentioned, I think the new ones I have since I last blogposted are...Jersey Wallace, Asherd Wallace, Anthony Luna, Artery, Seth, and Thaddeus Beret. Oh, and maybe Skyline. Not sure if I'll keep her or not.

Now. Jersey is in the book, replacing Jamie who was in the old one that I erased (If you're wondering who replaced Julius, that would be Vic. So now the Five are Mercedes, Labyrinth, Vic, Ric, and Jersey), and Asherd who is her brother and is briefly in the book but nothing important and I must stress he is not one of the Five. Anthony is Mercedes's current boy-toy, and is also briefly in the book, but is not one of the Five, either. Artery and Seth are two of a new race I am developing called Plaguechildren, and they are both in the Mafia which is getting a comeback in this novel, but not a story of it's own yet. Thaddeus is just a human who probably could be compared -- hair-wise -- to a blonde Weird Al. And Skyline is a flirtatious pink-haired Crow, though I'm not sure if I'm keeping her. I just really need to make new Crows...

I guess that ends this update. Hope you all enjoy the weekend.

'Cause all you people are vampires.

Listening To: Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But... by Arctic Monkeys
Feeling: Sickly

"...Well I ain't got no dollar signs in my eyes
That might be a surprise but it's true
That I'm not like you and I don't want your advice
Or your praise or to move in the ways you do
And I never will
Cause all you people are vampires
And all your stories are stale
And though you pretend to stand by us
I know you're certain we'll fail.."

Well, let's just say that last night was not a good night for me. Which explains the "sickly" part of the Feeling section in this post. I won't get into depth about it, but I will say it involves a bad stomach ache that kept me up the better part of the night. Oh, well; at least I ended up getting some sleep in the end. I still was up for awhile, just messing around with my music, looking at doodles, and randomly reading some Dear John, even though I should just finish the book I started -- Jane Eyre -- I don't know. I tend to go through phases where I start on another book before I finish another, and Jane isn't a particularly huge book -- at least, I don't think so.

Yes, don't expect any serious quality to this post. I'm pretty sure it's just not going to happen.

I've been thinking lately that I need to compile a list of my characters. I sort of want to know how many I have, and get rid of the useless ones. It's pretty easy for me to get rid of a character I haven't used so much, or to get rid of an un-needed character in a short story or book. It's never been that hard. It's odd, considering how in real life I could never even hurt a fly and I'm a weaker person in general.

Speaking of those characters, though, my twins Ric and Vic are officially shapeshifters. I think I might've said once how I imagined them human and they always will be, but as you might know, I tend towards the indecisive side. Besides, Ric was a shapeshifter the first time I ever roleplayed him with Flash. I might as well tell you what I came up with for this version of shapeshifting, but it's really basic and not specific. It's nothing like Flash's shifters, who have an incredible amount of thought put into them, their world, and their races. That whole thing is so complicated that I barely understand it, and I probably know next to nothing about them compared to what is all in her mind.

Shifters seem normal up until the very first time they shift. Whatever age that is, they will become immortal and freeze in that age after the first shift. If they were born a shapeshifter, they can still die and are a mortal until the first shift (Let's call is TFS, shall we?). This can happen at any age, but commonly between the ages of 13-24. A pretty wide age-gap, right? The genes of the shifters goes for a younger age naturally.

Twins - look-a-like or not - always will shift the first time at the same time. After that, they are free to shift separately.

Their form depends on the power, strength, and sometimes even personality and morals of the person. Since the forms vary so greatly, they don't run in packs like the Realm Gods would. They still sometimes form families or groups together because they feel more at ease with their kind.

Some are only carriers of the gene and never actually shift.

They do automatically know when another of their kind is near, as this instinct has developed in them over the years. However, someone who has been a shifter longer and is, thus, older, will have a be able to sense their kind more easily than a shapeshifter who has -- for example -- just had TFS.

Their eyes tend to be vivid, and can be wild colors like red, orange, yellow, etc.

So, as you can see, it is basic and very loose. I never wanted to make some sort of super-form out of them, or something like that, and the main "breed" type thing that I am focusing on would be the Bloody Crow Creed. I would like to create a very complex world for them, and make them complex themselves, like Flash has done with her Realm Gods.

As for the reason these two are suddenly shifters, it's because of a roleplay Flash and are having. I wanted them to be immortal like her character Froze, and the kids Nora, Jesse, and Haley. It's a very complicated thing and it's more like a magical soap opera than just an everyday family RP, so you definitely don't want to hear about it.

Drama.

We're all looking for something to take away the pain.

Listening To: Me, You and My Medication by Boys Like Girls
Feeling: Ergh. Is that an emotion?

"...It feels like the stars are getting closer
And the sky is closing in
And I don't know where to begin
We're all looking for something
To take away the pain
Me and you and my medication
(Making the best of it)
Love is just a chemical creation
(Will it be permanent?)
Synthetic sensation
Me you and my medication..."

I was watching some show the other night with mom. I'm not sure I even remember what it was, but it was just stupid stupid thing that actually made me think; one of the characters was talking about how she'd always wanted to be a mother, to love unconditionally and be loved unconditionally. Normally, something like this would probably go through one ear and then the other for me -- because, after all, it is just a stupid television show -- but for some reason, it started the wheels in my brain creaking.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly knows that to say I don't like kids is putting it extremely lightly. Children are horrible and disgusting to me, and I don't even plan on having one or multiples of them when I get married. So, this post is not about the child part in any way at all. What it's about is the love. Of course, I love my parents unconditionally -- never have I once pulled a teenage fit and said I hated them, to myself or to them or ever -- and they love me unconditionally.

But excluding relations, it made me wonder about love in general. I know, you guys know, my parents know, everyone knows, that I am flawed. I've never claimed not to be. I think I'm a hard person to get along with once you know me because I tend to get annoying after awhile, like a song you had on repeat for a month and now you just can't stand anymore. Once you get past the facade I put out, you see exactly who I really am.

And I do put on a facade. For everyone, except my parents and a couple close iFriends. There's only been one person in real life I truly became myself around -- the good with the bad, the pretty and the ugly -- and we got along so well once I finally opened myself up. I thought it was just a crazy, unnatural fear that I had that I couldn't trust anyone. I mean, look! This friend and I had such good times together, and we laughed at each other, and we seemed so close. Everything was going so excellently.

Now, we had known each other for years on and off before I finally was normal around her, and it happened in the summer. I slowly let go and had fun and didn't worry if what I said was stupid or if I would accidentally offend her.

Then, once school started that year, she abandoned me completely. Gone, like she was never there, like I was never there. Like we were never friends in the first place. And that hurt me, that someone could betray someone that easily without a glance over their shoulder. Though, this friendship had nothing to do with love (As we were both girls) and I'm just going off on a sub-topic, it's slightly relevant to the original topic.

Being, that with my ex-boyfriend, I was never myself around him. I was happy, upbeat, and cutesy around him so he would hopefully stay interested and be happy with me. At that time, I thought I loved him so very much even though we had known each other for a very short period of time. It took me a long time after he cheated to figure out that I've never loved before, and that it was just my teenybopper self getting enthralled with a guy who seemed enthralled with me. Even now I think of how ignorant I was to think it was love at all, or to expect anything more than what I got.

Even the short period of time I was with him, I was waiting for something to happen; for him to stop calling, to cheat, to just break-up and say he wanted nothing to do with me. This is because I am an omnipresent pessimistic in general, and I doubt that any romantic relationship I have will ever be void of these thoughts. They will be there, no matter how good I think I have it. It's just the way I am.

There's also the fact that I wonder what will happen to me the first time I open up to a boy and I get stomped on. Wouldn't that just destroy me for awhile, no matter how strong I think I might be now in the romance department? I probably wouldn't ever be the same, just like I'm not the same with friendships anymore. I do wonder if the reason I'm never close friends with anyone other than the close friends I already have is because they somehow since it's all a fake, pretty picture and are put-off by that fact.

What I do is, I listen. If there's someone I want to go up and talk to, I might glance over and see them with their regular friends and interject myself into their group and listen to their common interests and try to insert myself as one of them to show them that "Hey, hey, I'm here, too!" That's pathetic, and I know it, that I can't just say, "Oh, I don't like that. I'm not like that. I like this instead. I'm like this instead." It seems like I might offend them and wouldn't it just be oh so horrible if I did?

There's a lot of things I'd want to change about myself, and that factor is probably one of them. I don't want to be one to wear their heart on their sleeve or to be some horribly mean loudmouth, but I would definitely tweak my personality more than a little bit if I had the option. I would love to not be hurt so easily by even the simplest things, and get that look on my face that makes people want to ask what's wrong.

"Nothing's wrong; I'm fine! Why do you ask?" I say, with a smile.

I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.

Listening To: There's A Good Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Thought Of It Yet by Panic! At the Disco
Feeling: Busy

"...Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain, and
I bet you just can't keep up with
(Keep up!) with these fashionistas, and
Tonight, tonight you are, you are a whispering campaign.
I bet to them your name is "Cheap"
I bet to them you look like shh...
Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that "I'm a diva!"..."

Well, I finished drawing that Mother's Day gift for my mom (Because I am broke. No gold-digging men going after me, that's for sure), which is of - you guessed it - flowers, which is what she loves most of all. Well, one of the things. I was thinking of just doing it in pencil, then I thought of just doing it in charcoal so I could do some shading, and then I finally decided to just line it and color it in. I have to say, I'm sort of happy with how it turned out. I can't say if it's my best or not because, somehow, with it colored, the flowers look less realistic to me. It might just be me, though.

I don't think she's expecting anything though, so I'm going to spring with it at midnight. Hopefully dad won't steal my thunder and wish her a happy Mother's Day before I can. Not like he hasn't done that before, of course, because it is a miniature battle between us of who gets to say it first (At least, it feels that way to me, and, albeit the childish nature of it, it still feels like some sort of challenge).

Also, already done some editing to my story chapters. After much inner debate, I decided to make it center around the character Mercedes Montgomery instead of Labyrinth, because Labyrinth just isn't main character material. Leader material, yes, but not main character. He'll get pretty close with Mercedes, though (Just as friends, though, because they just don't fit romantically), so whoever reads it will have the chance to get to know each of these key-bearers or whatever they are.

Speaking of romance, though, mom told me she might actually want to read this book once it's finished because despite it being about fantasy, it sounds dramatically less romantic than the Sacrifice Trilogy. This is true. The Sacrifice Trilogy was more about Honor and Atone jumping around grabbing each others bums and casting soulful glances at each other rather than the actual fighting and plotline (Not to mention that Honor was a Mary-Sue if I ever saw one, and had less personality tham a damp piece of cardboard). Even though, I still like Atone. And Justice. And Sacrifice. I'll probably salvage those characters and keep them even though I've ditched the novel itself.

Still, if any of you know me even vaguely well, you know that I love hot guys. And, more importantly, a hopeless romantic (Despite attempting to kick that habit). So I want this story (Which has a title, as I may've mentioned, though I'm not revealing it yet except to a couple close friends) to have some romance; I just don't want it to be all romance. As much potential as that might have to ruin an otherwise perfectly nice fantasy story, I can't help it. The itch is under my skin. So far, though, no romantic couples are presenting themselves from the characters I've interjected into the story so far. Gore would never give up a life of endless ladies to get back with Mercedes, and as I've been thinking of pairing her with someone else, everyone else I've tried in the past loses it's flavor. It seems cruel, though, to make that horrible guy her true love when they'll never be together again (Or, if they are, he'll just leave her or cheat on her. As he did both last time).

I suppose that's the end of this post for now. I just wanted to talk a bit about the story and about the Mother's Day thing, since mom doesn't read my blog and probably doesn't even know where to find it. And if dad reads it, he obvioulsy isn't going to run off and tell her.

Haha, dad, I love you. ♥

Oh! I did create a new set of twins (Yes, I know I have Gore and Ryder, and Ric and Vic, but shut up): Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I got the idea when listening to a lot of Showbread the other day. I'll say now I'm not trying to say they're God or a "god and goddess," I just use those names to show that they're powerful. They're embodiments of lightning (Yes, like the weather) spirits, and they're going into my story.

Aww, I love you, too.

I'm so honored ♥

Don't know what you're made of till the one thing that you want is coming with the dawn.

Listening To: Syndicate by The Fray
Feeling: Thoughtful.

"...Halfway around the world
Lies the one thing that you want
Buried in the ground
Hundreds of miles down
The first thing that arises in your mind when you awake
Is bending you till you break
Let me hold you now..."

Flash posted a serious thought about her art recently, and I've been feeling lately that I should be posting something serious now instead of a bunch of memes and posts talking about the length of my hair. Because, honestly, I'm not one of those people. I don't want to be. I am really serious, here, and when I changed the title of this blog, that was meant to bring the rest of the changes.

If any of you Follow my Twitter, you know that I have recently come out of my writer's block - hopefully for real this time - and that I have a plot and a whole book idea, as well as a title, all lined up in my mind. For a long time, when I would start to write short stories and then trash them after about 3,000 words of what I just wasn't pleased with, I was so worried. So anxious. Enough that it would literally make me sick to my stomach. I grew out of the thought that "What if I'm supposed to be an artist?" because I honestly don't believe I am. As much as I love it and as much as it makes me happy, I can't ever imagine doing it for a living. I don't have the passion for it like Flash has, or like the passion that I have for writing.

I thought I may have lost my touch. I had gone too long without writing and any scrap of talent that I had, had gone, thrown to the wind. I hadn't tried hard enough to break out of my writer's block, and looking back, all the books I had written had characters that were one-dimensional and had an utter lack of personality. The plot was thin and frail, and I would go off into random directions or fill it with a bunch of senseless jabber. Everything was so horrible, looking back on it, that I wasn't quite sure that I was meant to be a writer after all.

The thing is, with writing, like Flash, I have always pressured myself in it. I had a set limit of words that I had to write a day, and if I wrote less than, it made me a failure. It made the book or project I was working on a failure. Even so, I would always be so excited and happy while writing down the jabber, and I never doubted for a moment that it would fail or not get published if I would ever try to write it.

Listening To: Enemy by Flyleaf

"...I have made you an enemy
I have been my own enemy
I am asking for you
To forgive me
For everything
If you don't
You're worthy of compassion
If you do..."

It sounds egotistical; it sounds horrible, to type that for anyone to see. Honestly, though, I never thought about it that way; I thought about it like I was just never afraid to put it out there, no matter what. Even now, I'm not afraid to write a book and try to get it published one day. But I also realize that the chances of it getting rejected are probably better than it getting accepted.

All you have to do is try, though; you should not be afraid of failure. Being afraid of failure will cripple you and the weight will be heavy on your shoulders until you bow down to it and give up. I will never be that way.

I will not be afraid of failure.

I will embrace love, I will embrace hate, I will embrace acceptance, and I will embrace failure.

Even if I died without getting a single book published, I would know all my life that I wrote, which is what I wanted to do the most. The thing that's closest to my heart and that I simply cannot live without; I must write. To stop writing permanently would be for me to die. I've never been so committed or passionate about anything in my life as much as I have about being a novelist. Like the quote of author Issac Asimov, "If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."

Though it probably seems a little depressing, something that's been bouncing around in my head lately that I heard a long time ago was, "I can't miss what I never had." So, if for some reason, I were never to become a novelist, I couldn't miss it. But if I stopped writing altogether - afraid of failure - then that, I would be able to miss.

I am excited about the fact that I have a plot and am going to start writing on my book today or tomorrow. I know now - in my heart, soul, mind, bones - that despite whatever writer's block or whatever doubts I may have, I am supposed to be a writer. This will never change.

But I do think I will become a novelist. Even if I have to try and self-publish it the first time, I will do it.