Bada Bing! Wit A Pipe!

Listening To: Bada Bing! Wit A Pipe! by Four Years Strong

Feeling: Hungry (Doesn't that just ruin the serious mood of a post)

"...Sing it back to me; this is your life story

You didn't even know it you're trying not to blow it

Because you're kicking back a death wish and here I am just riding out the storm

Believe me when I say that I want to give up

I want to give up but it's bad enough to keep me hooked

Just to watch you curse my name and toss and turn..."

I was thinking about some of the better ways that I've changed, even though it seems like it's a bit narcissistic to think about oneself too much, but I guess I am pretty self-absorbed and vain sometimes, andothers I have low self-esteem, usually when I'm around a cute boy.

But that's entirely beside the point. We're talking about my positive changes; my positive points.

I would have to say that I think I've improved in my writing; I think the movements are smoother, less rough, and the characters have more complexity and originality. They have songs that describe them, and since my art skills have also seemed to improve, I can get them straighter in my head when I draw them. They now have pasts and lives before the story that I'm writing them in. They don't have just a generic personality.

The art skills that seem to've crept up behind me and consumed me, making me draw all the time lately because of my writer's block, that are getting better have caused my parents to run out and buy me a huge sketchbook (The sheets of paper are maybe twice the size of my laptop screen? And wider?), art supplies, loose sketch paper. It takes a lot for my parents to be impressed; they don't impress or compliment easily, and they would never say I was good if I weren't. Still, this isn't pumping my ego. My head is staying roughly the same size it's always been. I don't think a day's gone by since my writer's block that I haven't at least doodled something, even if it's small.

Listening To: YEAH! Ska Dance by Oreskaband

"...Kimi ni namida ni mou hitotsu

Kireina mizu wo sosogou ka?

Kanashii toki niwa issho ni nakou

Sukoshizutsu shiawase ni narebaii..."

The fact that I'm also listening to music all the time also makes me happy, for some reason. I can almost always find a song to match my current situation, mood, what I'm writing, or what I'm drawing. Music seems to make things very easy or easier. I used to listen to music a lot before, but now I am literally pretty much doing one/multiple of these things at once at all times: on the computer, reading, writing, drawing, listening to music.

I'm also still attempting to learn Japanese and more about the Asian culture, but I hate how every other teenager is an "otaku" and whenever I attempt to say that I'm serious about the Japanese culture, people brush me off by saying, "Isn't everyone supposedly serious about the Japanese culture?" I don't like it when they do it, but they don't know me. I try not to care so much, as it's just them running their mouth off and not really caring. I'm friends with one of these people, though, so no hard feelings.

They were never my friends and I was living a lie, but I won't fall for it next time.

Listening To: Remember to Feel Real by Armor For Sleep

Feeling: Reflective

"...'Cause you know I change myself

To impress whoever happens to be next to me

But I'm sick of trying so hard

Waste all your time with me

I know I'm a mess right now

Don't give up; believe

I'd wait it out for you..."

Ah, just unfortunately thinking about last summer and the summer before it, and how my friends always abandon me as soon as school starts. I'm sure it would be a lot easier if I went to school with them instead of being homeschooled, but I love being homeschooled. I would never want to change being homeschooled.

I'm not sure why it seems to happen to me every time, but I realize (As I usually do, later down the road when I wished I had realized it much, much earlier) that my mom was right when she said that anyone would be blessed if they find one true friend for their life.

I don't really want to dwell on it, but the title and the chorus does describe me. I always try to feel out whatever person I'm talking to and try to find common interests and blend myself in to be complimentary to them and their personality so I can impress them and they'll want to be friends with me. I suppose I wonder if they knew my anime/all Japanophile ways, my crazy humor, my extremely serious moments, the way my brain works, that everything would come crashing down.

Listening To: Stop and Stare by OneRepublic

"...This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us

It's time to make our move, I'm shakin' off the rust

I've got my heart set on anywhere but here

I'm staring down myself, counting up the years..."

And somewhere in my brain must've told me I was an idiot to do something like that. And so, last year at summertime, I decided I would open myself up as much as I possibly could, and display my full personality...or, at least, quite a bit of it. And I thought I had a fast-best-friend.

We laughed. Talked all the time. Had inside jokes. Had a secret-handshake. Ran out in the street together everytime we saw each other outside. Walked our dogs together. Talked about our mutual favorite band (Which was the Jonas Brothers, whom I really do detest now). Scoped out hot guys. Played childish games. Read the same books at the same time and tell each other what we thought of it. Painted our nails the same color. It was almost as if we were truly connected at the hip.

It was some of the best times, it seemed, and I couldn't wait for it to continue. But as soon as school started for us both, the seperation cut our ties, apparently. The phone calls stopped coming and when I called, I was ignored. I did try to figure out what I must've done wrong, and even though she didn't care for anything Japanese or some of my other interests, she didn't resent me because I liked them. She laughed like crazy at my facial expressions and my jokes. It seemed my personality was likable. That I, in fact, was likable.

Listening To: I So Hate Consequences by Relient K

"...And after all of my alibis desert me

I just want to get by

I don't want nothing to hurt me

I had no idea where my head was at

But if my heart says I'm sorry can we leave it at that

Because I just want for all of this to end..."

I was not the shy girl with her that couldn't speak up or hold up a convesation without fading out into the background because someone else talked over me or didn't even hear me at all - or, even worse, ignored me altogether. It felt awesome to have a best friend to talk to. Of course, it appears she was not really my best friend. Or a friend at all.

As for this blog title's lyrics, what I'm trying to say is, I won't get sucked in this year to another summer of false friendship, from not only this fake best friend, but the other fake friends of my neighborhood who acted.

You all deserve Oscars.

There's a Hole Where Something Was.

Listening To: Disloyal Order of Water Buffaloes by Fall Out Boy

Feeling: like giving it a ponder

"I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine

What a match, I'm half-doomed and you're semi-sweet

So boycott love, detox just to retox

And I'd promise you anything for another shot at life

Imperfect boys with their perfect lives

Nobody wants to hear you sing about tragedy

(Wants to hear you sing about tragedy)"

I was thinking about my writing. I haven't been writing anything but scraps every now and then for a little while because of writer's block, so I've been practicing drawing in my spare time when I had nothing to do. Mom and dad say I'm improving. Even Flash says I'm improving. It makes me happy to draw, but I'm worried I'll get too wrapped up in it and end up forgetting about writing. You can't exactly throw away five years of that, though, can you? I wouldn't think that I would be such a fickle teenager as that.

Still, I have varying opinions of myself, from low to high, depending on who I'm around and what particular mood I'm in. I used to hold myself up pretty high on a pedestal, thinking I was smarter, prettier, more mature than everyone else, but that just isn't true. I know I've said it before, but I have changed alot over the years, and I definitely don't know myself yet. I want too, but it's so hard to get in touch; to come within reach.

I suppose you can love more than one hobby at a time without it having to be a career choice; writing, however, I believe is my career choice. I wasn't born with talent, but only few people, are, aren 't they? You have to practice to get better. You don't naturally come out the womb with a pencil and piece of paper and are set for life.

Listening To: The (Shipped) Gold Standard by Fall Out Boy

"I wanna scream I love you from the top of my lungs

But I'm afraid that someone else will hear me

You can only blame your problems on the world for so long

Before it all becomes the same old song

As soon as we hit the hospital I know we're gonna leave this town

And get new passports and get, get, get, get, get out now"

What I decided though, is that I'm going to do what makes me happy. I'm going to draw, I'm going to write. I'm going to listen to mainstream music and music so obscure only a few people know about it (Like Owl City before he beacame popular. I was a long-time fan of his along with Flash before his Fireflies boom). I'm going to create charcters crazy or sane, with whatever appearences I want them to have, in whatever drawing style. I'll love like a vampire.

I'll be Team Edward, Team Damon, Team Hikaru, Team Death the Kid, Team L.

I'll just try to be me to the best of my abilities and love my friends and family with every bit of my heart and not hold back. I'll enjoy every moment in their presence and I'll remember the memories years from now. I'll be the one to ask "remember when."

I don't have to suscribe to a style to like it.

I don't have to fit your perceived notions of me or the blank copies I put out for people.

Accept me or hate me, either way, I am me.

NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo is hard.

I'm 3000 words behind my own schedule.

It's full of fail.

Justice is such a bag to write about.

Mercy's in a coma.

Audree thinks she's smexy.

Judgment is suspicious.

Auden is an idiot.

Ryder is a pervert.

I keep having daydreams about L Lawliet.

And I'm going to give someone a beatdown.

Your Life Soundtrack Shuffle Quiz

I love these. xDD

Let's hope there's nothing embarassing. *flail*

Waking Up: Dance Hall Drug by Boys Like Girls

Good Day: A Welcome Vacation by Julia Nunes

Bad Day: All Shook Up by Elvis Presley

Long day: I Caught Myself by Paramore

Lullaby aka music to fall asleep to: The State of Florida by Less Than Jake

After a fight with your best friend: Trouble by NeverShoutNever

After a fight with your parents: Hear Me by Kelly Clarkson

After a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend: Just Dance by Lady Gaga feat. Colby O'Donis

Falling in love: We Say Summer by All Time Low

Breaking up: A Movie Script Ending by Death Cab For Cutie

Making out: The Reeling by Passion Pit

Making up: Strawberry Fields Forever by Jim Sturgess & Joe Anderson

Sneaking out: Monsoon by Tokio Hotel

Being reckless: Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal by All Time Low

Road trip: Hot Limit by T.M. REvolution

Graduation day: All Around Me by Flyleaf

Senior week: So What by P!nk

Remembering: When I See You Smile by Bad English ( xDDDDD; )

Childhood memories: Undo Me by Jennifer Knapp

Vacation: Break Out! Break Out! (Acoustic) by All Time Low

Seeing an old love: Faking My Own Suicide by Relient K

Angry mood: No Such Thing by John Mayer

Depressed mood: Hey There Delilah by Plain White T's

Happy mood: The Downfall of Us All by A Day To Remember

Quiet mood: Fabulous by Scotty Vanity

Loving mood: Super Honeymoon by Owl City

Song for growing up: More Love, More Power by Michael W. Smith

Summer love: Circus by Britney Spears

Just SUMMER: All Star by Smash Mouth

Winter romance: No Rain by Blind Melon

Loosing your best friend: Ouchi ga Ichiban by Satomi Korogi

Loosing your love: Pushin' Me Away by Jonas Brothers

Loosing a family member: Panda Bear by Owl City

YOUR funeral song: Comin' Around by Metro Station

Your song you're remembered by: The Dynamo of Volition by Jason Mraz

Your family's song for you: Time For Me To Fly by Jonas Brothers

Song when you have kids [NO KIDS]: Power of My Love [Alternate Take 3] by Elvis Presley

The song that reminds you of your kids [NO CRAPLINGS]: Blur by Britney Spears

Your wedding: We Both Know by Ivoryline

Your KIDS graduation [NO KIDS]: Forgotten by Linkin Park

Your PARENTS funeral: Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band by the Beatles [Let's hope it's a crapload of years from now]

The song that ties your life together: Sister by Angelo

Your best friend's song for you: Presume Too Much by Merz [xD]

The song that reminds you of your childhood town: Our Eyes by Teddy Geiger

Your first love: If You Really Knew by Out Of Eden

Your school days: The Answer by Automatic Loveletter

Your favorite summer song: What Might Have Been by Little Texas

The song that reminds you of the one thing you wish you could get back: Thunder (Acoustic) by Boys Like Girls

Your drinking song: Joyful Kings by Jonas Brothers [WATER DRINKING, THAT IS]

Your party song: Confessions by City & Colour

Some made sense.

Some were embarassing.

And some made no sense at all.

Changing

Listening To: Balloons by Julia Nunes

Feeling: Sad

I was just thinking about how things have changed now that Jesse is gone. And that made me think about other changes in my life and the lives of the people around me that I love and care about.

I have changed so much from what I was, whether I've changed for better or worst. I may still be introverted and working on that, but I've really took a sharp look at how I was and how I am, and whether I deserve what I have. All the stuff I have and the people around me that care so much about me.

What kind of person am I to deserve all this?

Listening To: Odd by Julia Nunes

I feel like I'm selfish and abnormal. In a whole different category than the people around me, who constantly give and give to me and to others, and they are extraordinary rather than odd. I wonder about how they would handle the situations that I am currently faced with or have faced, and about which of us picked the better route.

Listening To: Regrets by Julia Nunes

But what are my good qualities? I've heard that we are our own worst critics. The only people who can tell me what I truly am are the ones around me. Is that because I don't know who I really am inside just yet? I'd like to say that I know, but I couldn't tell you that, because I'd be a liar, and I'm tired of lying. I'm never going to again. It did nothing but hurt me and everyone I love.

There are so many rolemodels of mine. Celebrities, sure, but I'm talking about in my life. My mother, my two cousins, other family members. But I have to say the person I look up to the most would be my father.

He's like everything I've wanted to be. A great writer; no, the best. I wish he would just write all the books he has had bouncing around his head all these years. But he's not just the best writer, but one of the reasons I decided to become I writer. He inspired me so much and I don't think he really knows just how much. I didn't look up to J.K. Rowlilng or some other author. It's my daddy, all the way.

He is so smart, too. And witty. He can toss out a comeback in a split second that will make the whole room laugh. Some of my best memories are the jokes that dad has told, and the time I've spent with him.

So many other things about him just seem so perfect to me, like his cooking skills, the way he tries to treat me like an adult, the way I can always talk to him and the advice he gives, and the love he gives. I'm so glad for the traits he's passed on to me.

And my mom. Oh, mom.

The way she has so much love in her heart. She's so perfect that way; love for her family, love for her animals, love for the plants and things from the earth. The way her eyes just sparkle sometimes, and her beauty, then and now, the things like that that I envy of her.

The way she's so opiniated, yelling at the TV. The way she defends her family with everything she has, never backing down. I'll never forget the time at my aunt's shop when she defended me from this rude, old woman.

Her cooking, the kind only a mother can supply, and her easy way to quickly sympathize and hold me tight, keeping all those troubles away from me. I'm happy for the traits she's passed on to me and envious of the ones she hasn't.

I feel like I haven't been fair to my parents. I don't think I've treating them as well as I should be, but Jesse made me realize that I can't let things be like this. Mom and dad are still here with me. I want to change, and I will. Because when they're gone, I don't want to have regrets.

Jesse.

R.I.P., Sir Jesse Pugglesworth.

November 19th, 2002 - October 16th, 2009